Vulnerability

In my last blog I wrote about Fr. Greg Schaeffer as an example of a healthy and holy vulnerability. But I am far from that.

Two days ago while I was out someone stole a new pair of pants and an old big backpack which were hanging on the line in the alcove at the back of my house.

Not only was I upset that I lost this good pair of pants, but I felt very vulnerable. Someone was right at my back door and stole two things. And no one saw it. (It was a rainy day and so few people were probably out.)

Yesterday when I left for Dulce Nombre for the Parish Council meeting, I felt worried that someone would return and steal something more, maybe break into the house. When I got back in the afternoon and had to go out again, I had a similar feeling. When I came back, nothing was disturbed.

I still find myself tied to the things I have, sometimes looking to them for comfort and release. The search for holy indifference is a long haul.

But the poor here and throughout the world are increasingly vulnerable. Not only do they have little, the economic crisis threatens even the little they have. The incidence of crime in the poorest areas is another sign of their social vulnerability – the likelihood that they will experience more loss than I would.

At the parish council meeting I heard of a killing in one of the villages that was related to a drinking binge. A quarrel arose and since at least some of those involved were drunk, violence ensued. In the newspapers you can read (and see pictures) of grisly crimes and read of robberies of buses, the transport of the poor.

In the face of loss of two items which I can easily replace, I found myself almost paralyzed with fear. What is going on here? Is it merely a reflection of the culture I come from, the society I was raised in – that I get overly concerned with what is mine?

I guess I need to pray more about this. Thomas Merton wrote in New Seeds of Contemplation an incredibly insightful essay, “The root of War is Fear.” I must go back and read it. Also, I should look at the book Megan McKenna sent me this past Easter, The Hour of the Tiger: Facing Our Fears. There’s a chapter on “Money, Possession, and Insecurity.” Her note to me in the book helps put this all in perspective: “May fear of the lord be the only fear you know and may you continue to live with courage and he Spirit of truth.”

St. Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits, once said that it would take him fifteen minutes to adjust if the order were suppressed. It took me more than a day to adjust to losing two items. God have mercy on me and help me learn holy indifference.